Sandwichlady's Blog

Posts Tagged ‘Humor and the Aging

It took 10 minutes to get past the first aisle of Sam’s today with Mom. She decided to stop and look at the chaise lounges and outdoor furniture for a REALLY long time. As I sat back and watched the whole scene I kept wondering why she was looking at a chaise lounge? She finally turned and said to me, “what are those?” It never occurred to me she had spent the last few minutes searching the recesses of her 80 year old mind. The rest of the shopping adventure is uneventful until back by the bread aisle, she decides she has to go to the bathroom NOW.  Of course, the restrooms are at the very front of the store and we are at the very back.  She leaves me the two carts and takes off with her cane and her cute lopsided walk as fast as she can.  (Let’s hope those Depends are working!)

I spent the next 10 minutes meandering around Sam’s with 2 carts, trying not to run into people or displays.  I was not successful. We finally met up at the front near checkout where she proceeded straight to the outdoor furniture and sat down while I unloaded the carts.  On the way home we decided it had to be way later than 3:00.  We were both ready for bed and I told her we would just leave everything in the car and figure out how to get it inside later.

God decided to bless me today by having my son come out back and actually unload the car without being asked!  I thought I would have a heart attack right then and there!  What happened to my son…. who was this helpful cheery person? Ahh, I was being paid back for not losing my patience at Sam’s when Mom spent 10 minutes looking through the apple bags.  Thanks God!

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I tried to get through the mall today with Mom. She has a major case of ADD, but would never admit it. We can’t go three feet without her stopping to read a sign or get distracted by something “shiny”. I find myself walking in front of her and occasionally putting my hand back to show her in which direction she is supposed to be going. On the road she reads all of the signs we pass. (this reminds me of the movie Forget Paris with Debra Winger and Billy Crystal). I crack up EVERY time and she always asks me what’s so funny? Nothing sweetie, I say as I have the mantra “you asked for it, you got it, Toyota”, going through my head.
Today was a great day. Mom actually felt like shopping a little, my daughter is over a cold she’s had forever, the son is actually communicating in more than the usual grunt and the hubby is humming after work.

It feels good to be a sandwich on these days….  oh well, there’s always tomorrow!

“Okay, sit down and write something witty for this blog you started, ” I think to myself as my  house cleaning list goes through my head. I don’t like to clean. Never have. My sister on the other hand is the female version of Mr. Clean with the lemony scent. She can clean the chrome off a bumper as they say, and hum happily doing it. Since this is so, why am I the one going over to Mom’s house today to dust and clean the floors? Because I don’t work, I guess.  Really, seriously? I could run a fortune 500 company and not work as hard as I do taking care of my family AND my Mom. At least CEO’s can delegate.
Okay, so enough ranting. I actually feel better now. As I sit waiting for my febreeze swiffered tile floor to dry, I bolster myself up to go over to Mom’s with a big smile on my face and Pledge furniture polish in my hand! Bring it on dust… you got nothing on me.  I am sandwich woman, hear me roar!!

Remember the Gumby character on SNL? He was stretchy and could be pulled in all directions. I am literally standing in my dining room, totally incapacitated by the pull of two opposing forces. In one direction is my Mom who needs help getting dressed so she can go out to dinner tonight. It takes awhile to get those 80 year old “girls” in the holster if you get my meaning. In the other direction is my daughter who needs to pack for an overnight at one of her perspective colleges. Stuffing her nice clothes into her school backpack is totally sufficient in her mind, while my OCD, everything in it’s place motherness is freaking out! You cannot use a ziploc for your toothbrush, it must have a holder!!

Either way I have to bounce back and forth between the two, all the while feeling I should be in the other place!  Oh, I know…. I need some type of Matrix thing where I can be in two places at once!  That would be the best selling thing on the sandwich market!

As I get up this cold monday morning, I am trying to figure out how to manage my week and I think I may just go back to bed. Today I have to take my daughter’s car into the collision center because someone slid into her during our last ice storm, go to the grocery because we are out of essentials like cereal (which my family is forced to eat on the many nights I can’t manage to cook), see my chiropractor for my bi-weekly adjustment, check on mom because she hasn’t been feeling good, see if I can get her in to see the doctor because he reassures her she is alright, get our taxes together so I can start the FAFSA process ( a whole other blog on that one), read over my daughter’s essays for scholarships and edit them, and FINALLY, show up for my husband’s business dinner looking rested and fabulous!!
And that’s just today… don’t get me started on tuesday’s appointments, the bible study notes I need to go over for my class, getting my daughter prepared for her college scholarship visit on friday and helping mom pack for her trip to florida to visit a friend. (she’s already trying to back out on this one but I am pushing her to go because I was counting on the break!)

So here is the question of the day… If I got hit by a bus this morning, would everyone be okay?!  Would it all get done?  Would people rise to the occasion and take care of themselves?  Of course they would!!  I REALLY need to get a grip on my self importance and realize that God is in control and I am not!   I just feel better getting these things out of my brain and into cyperspace to share.  Even though no one is probably reading, I’ll keep on typing to keep myself sane.   Here’s to a great day!

Is it just me, or does anyone else find the “medical history” forms at doctor visits a little redundant and irritating?  We are at the urologists office because my Mom has a little “trouble” from time to time and we are slowly eating into the grandchildren’s inheritance with all of the Depends she has to purchase.  Question #48.  Why are you here today?  – Because I pee all over myself whenever I come to a standing position.   Question #146.  Do you have trouble with your bladder?  – No, it’s all been solved now by spending 20 minutes in your waiting room filling out forms.

Oh how I wish I would write some of these things I think of  just to see if anyone actually reads them!  But I’m afraid I would be labeled a trouble maker and the AMA would put my name on the Crazy Daughter of Elderly Patients List. So I will continue to fill out the same 20 page form EVERY SINGLE TIME we visit.  Because that’s just the fun of it all!!

Now to someone who continually craves chips and salsa with a hot fudge sundae, the idea of not eating is a totally foreign concept. However, it is not on the top of my teen’s priority list of things to do in a day. The truth is, she was born with more of her father’s genetics and thus food is simply fuel for her perfectly lithe and muscular body. I spent my morning making her favorite soup, while constantly wondering in the back of my mind if Mom had eaten anything for breakfast, had she taken her medicine and was she hungry now? The tug is always there. Thinking you should be in the one place while you are in the other.
Turns out at 2:00 pm my Mom had NOT had lunch, only a banana for breakfast, but she did remember her pills today! Praise the Lord for small victories.
We are falling into dangerous territory where she has lost the ability to make herself meals. When did this happen? I blame myself mostly (as we sandwich’s tend to do). But I shall NOT be sucked into the guilt vortex! I shall take each day and meal at a time!  And when other’s forget to eat, I will do my part by bingeing on brownies and potato chips. Ahh, I could just cry.


Some jelly on your PB sandwich?

I hope to encourage others while sharing my funny stories with the world. If you find lost teeth, dogs who track mud on the freshly mopped floor and teens who get into fender benders at 8:00 in the morning funny, this is the blog for you. A member of the sandwich generation using humor to stay sane!

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